The Consulting Detective Survival Guide
by kookookarli
Summary: Here is a complete Consulting Detective survival guide for the twenty-first century. You will learn how to tell if someone you know is a Consulting Detective. You will learn how to protect your home from the Consulting Detective's fits of boredom. And you will learn the best tactics for preventing said boredom, for the safety of yourself, your flat, and others.


**This was written for the Sherlock Secret Santa. I had to 'deduce' as to what I should gift my match, Paulathesilentpanda on tumblr.**

**This is based on the book, "The Vampire Survival Guide: How to Fight, and Win, Against the Undead" by Scott Bowen.**

**Beta-ed by the ever so lovely ChalcedonyRivers**

* * *

_**The Consulting Detective Survival Guide**_

_**How to Fight, and Win, Against the Bored Genius**_

**Introduction**

Faulty Police Force in London

To most in the city of London, the police force works just as it is meant to.

Criminal causes crime.

Police discover crime scene.

Police find criminal.

Criminal is put in jail.

This goes along, and it is very unlikely that you are going to be personally affected unless you are involved in said crimes that take place.

Chances are that you aren't, and your only relation with it is through the stories you read in the papers and hear on the news.

However, according to some, the police force is faulty and is filled with idiots who have no idea as to how to solve a crime and catch a criminal.

And that is where the world's only Consulting Detective comes in.

The Nature of the Beast

- Consulting Detectives can feed on any food or beverage that any other human being can, they just choose not to as it 'slows him down'

- Consulting Detectives cannot turn into office workers or secretaries, or grocers, or doctors, or any sort of typical career. They are not stupid. They are not daft. They cannot be normal. They are not on the same level as the rest of us average human beings.

- Consulting Detectives do not live forever, they may appear to not age, but they do die.

- Consulting Detectives can function during normal hours, but will suffer extreme boredom if forced in the company of the rest of the human population for too long.

- There is only one Consulting Detective. He is tall, thin, musically inclined, and most definitely a genius.

- Consulting Detective-ism is chosen by the consulting detective. The consulting detective must first be bored, and then he will become interested in a recent murder. This puzzle will give him ideas. It will spark parts of his brain, and the Consulting Detective is born.

- The Consulting Detective is almost Victorian in his speech patterns and behavior. He will have odd linguistics, and be very graceful to be described as a silent shadow.

- Consulting Detectives can survive on small amounts of food, beverage, and sleep. However, he will eventually crash.

- The Consulting Detective's senses are acute, made so through years of self-training. They are able to detect the smallest details and solve the case that much quicker.

Combating Infection in Yourself and Others

You now know the basic story of the Consulting Detective.

What you don't know is that the Consulting Detective will often become bored for long stretches of time between cases. Boredom can steal upon him in moments. He may have just solved a case this morning, but he is already BORED.

So, the question is, how do you avoid him becoming bored?

Boredom is a terrible thing, even more so for the Consulting Detective in question. He's a genius. Imagine what it would be like if you were a genius. Can you picture how terrible it must be to be a bored? It would be absolutely horrendous.

Boredom + genius = terrible combination

To prevent both yourself and your Consulting Detective from becoming bored, you need to be able to read the signs.

Changes in the Victim's Personality and Habits

Once the first signs of boredom are seen, you must act very quickly.

Focus and Temperament:

The Consulting Detective will suffer extreme mood swings: one moment he will be sulking for the entire world to see, and the next he will be jumping around singing nursery rhymes. This back-and-forth cycle is one of the key determinates; if he just sulks, or if he is only slightly insane, it must be something else entirely.

Shifting from Day to Night Consciousness:

When bored, the Consulting Detective will spend most of his day sulking on the sofa, and most of the night strutting around the flat playing 'music' on his violin. When on a case, soft melodies will be beautifully floating up to your bedroom as he thinks. When bored, ugly shrieks will prevent you from having even a wink of sleep.

Loss of Appetite:

The Consulting Detective doesn't eat on a case, and he doesn't eat when bored. It's that simple. However, he will eat during a post case high, and sometimes during an experiment that keeps him even a little bit entertained.

But only if it doesn't interfere with said experiment.

Unexplained Lustful Actions:

This one is quite fun for you. After a case, your consulting detective will grant you some of the best sex of both your lives. But then, that will most likely be it for quite some time.

However, if you happen to catch his attention at just the right time when he is suffering his state extreme boredom – he will jump your bones.

Literally – and it may be extremely enjoyable for the both of you, but afterwards it will return to how it was before. Except, you are now both exhausted and sated, and still unable to sleep as he will continue to 'play' his violin at ungodly hours of the night.

Caring for the Afflicted

There is very little to be done once your Consulting Detective has reached his state of boredom.

I'm sorry.

The most you can do is hope that you continue to catch him at the right times and have some very fantastic sexual intercourse as often as possibly, or you can supply him with cold cases until an actual case that he deems worthy of his attention comes along.

Housing a Bored Consulting Detective Securely

Like it has been said before, there is very little to be done.

Eventually your genius will find your 'secret' hiding place for your gun, unlock whatever locks you put there in the attempt to secure it, and he will start to shoot your wall.

I suggest that you have a jar of loose change located somewhere nearby to help pay for the damages.

Feeding the Subject:

The main problem with feeding your consulting detective is that he won't eat. He may have the biggest sweet tooth the world has ever seen, but he won't eat even the sweetest pastry you place in front of him. He won't drink a cup of tea that has enough sugar to rot his teeth; he just won't do it – no matter how much he wants to.

Actually, that's a lie. He will do it – he'll just wait until you aren't looking. I suggest you glance away or walk out of the room as often as possible.

What to do if you're in a relationship with a consulting detective?

I'm afraid that life isn't as glamorous as movies and books make it appear. He isn't going to glance at you and deduce exactly what it is that you want him to do and then proceed to do it.

Sorry dear, I'm afraid that all your unknown sexual fantasies will remain that – just fantasies.

What I really mean to say, is that your consulting detective knows exactly what you want. He knows exactly what is that you need.

He just won't give it to you – not unless his mind is wondering in the same direction at that moment in time.

That is when he will jump you.

Not on your schedule, but on his.

I would love to tell you all the details about how to prevent your consulting detective from being bored, how to entertain him once he is bored, and how to stop yourself from becoming bored. But I am afraid that there is nothing that I could possibly do.

I'm very sorry.

Consulting Detectives are very stubborn and will follow only their schedule and no one else's.

I guess you should have read this before you moved in with your Consulting Detective/Lover/Flatmate.


End file.
